I haven’t learned something new in a really long time. I’ve done the same job, basically, and been so stressed I haven’t had time or motivation (because the job was making me sad sad sad so I was just a blob at the end of the day) to do independent learning to expand my brain. Reading was exhausting enough.
But as I prep for my new job, I have started an online excel training course (I know NOTHING but I’m learning, which feels cool and weird) and I’m on khanacademy.com re-learning percentages (damn I forget math) and it feels good for a few reasons:
1) I want to learn more and I have the energy to learn right now
2) Learning is cool. It makes my brain work in ways I don’t normally.
3) I am here, doing work while the boy is in bed, it’s usually the opposite.
I know it won’t be perfect, no job or life is. But every day, I know this is the right move, simply even if it’s because I’m going to learn again.
I got a new job, a for-profit, and I am more than ready to be out of my previous job. It’s just time. And as my therapists have been telling me, I can’t move forward until I’m in a less-emotionally-stressful and triggering career. So this is all very exciting.
But it’s also filled with weird emotions. And I’m irritable and cranky. The boy has been great, cleaning dishes, making dinner, doing everything. I lie in bed and listen to my meditiation app on my side of the bed and everything he does irritates me. I feel hyper sensitive to noise (omg, I cannot even DEAL with talk shows right now I want to punch people) and desperately try to find ways to self-soothe that don’t involve eating disorder behaviors. I’m successful, but it’s hard.
I know I made the right choice. But it’s just strange. I gave so much of myself to my first big girl job. I cared so greatly. I mourned so much when things got bad. I tried harder. And it’s great and exciting to be moving on but as people act strangely (Grown ups acting like hurt children is so weird) and I realize I won’t be here, in the familiar, although unhappy, yellow walled room, I feel strange. Transition-y. There’s no other word for it.
But I’m not using symptoms. And I DID make a choice. And even though I’m winter-weight-up and a little bit tighter in the size I wear, I bought clothes. And I know that it will be okay.
Also, I turn 26 in a week. My how things change.
That’s something I rarely if ever did. Slow down. They talk a lot in treatment about learning to be present, because that’s what we do, right? Disconnect from the world for whatever reason, obsess about food, numbers, etc. so that we miss things. I remember having this super clear moment when I was about to go to treatment? Or in the beginning of it? Where I was walking around my dad’s adorable neighborhood in the early spring and I couldn’t remember one thing he said, in the full hour. Not one thing. And it wasn’t because I thought the trees were pretty all bloom-y and spring-like. It was because I was obsessing over all the things my brain obsesses about. Calories, weight, whatever.
Anyway, I am learning to slow down. Which would surprise my grandfather, probably, he’s always telling me to talk more slowly. But last night I had dinner with my grandparents and I was there for all of it. And even though I got home and was really sad and stressed from a bad day at work and incredibly cranky, I used coping skills. Easy yoga. Watching TV (I don’t understand how so many smart people like Girls. I hate everyone on that show). Coloring.
And then my love came home, late last night, 10pm, and he was kind and rubbed my back as we watched The League and as I texted him this morning that I dreaded coming here again because of the bad stuff yesterday, he said he knew, but we’d have a nice night tonight. And I felt very grateful for him. Because he has helped me slow down. I have never been comfortable just sitting. Being. But I’m learning. The quiet extra minutes in the morning together, today an extra half hour, I’m now able to be present for. I don’t start racing about what I have to do at work or later. I’m there. I can sit in on a Friday night, cook dinner, watch a movie. And I need that. It doesn’t mean that I don’t go on hiking adventures with friends or other things out and about, dress shopping with my mom, whatever. It just means that I’m safe enough to be still.
Because I think that’s part of it. Feeling safe enough to be still. Safe enough to not constantly be racing.
And that’s kind of incredible. For a while there, I never thought anything in the world would be safe again.
One day, a bed without him. Or him, a bed without me. It makes the world much harder to ever imagine leaving (not that I imagined leaving before, I mostly just ran around being a Pisces and doing shit). Actually it wasn’t until him that I became sad about the idea of one day dying. Which is part of the pain of love. It makes you acutely aware that you won’t always get to be with the person who makes life so full.
In my effort to read 75 books this year, I am finding I need some recommendations. I am in the middle of 3 non-fiction books that sometimes stress me out (OMG HOW CAN I BE HAPPIER AND MORE SUCCESSFUL IN BUSINESS AS A WOMAN AND ALSO BEING AN INTROVERT SHOULD BE MORE ACCEPTED AHHHH) so I’d love some NOT like that books.
But here’s the challenge I give myself. You name it, I will read it. And if you want me to tell you what I think, I will. Ready, set, go!!! What should I read?