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Bad blogging me! This is yesterday’s post about Wednesday :)

I didn’t blog yesterday because I was off having happy hour then therapy then listening to music and reading Elizabeth Smart’s memoir on my phone (I miss my kindle) and then bed at 10:15 #likeanadult.

But yesterday was okay. I think good? I don’t know. Sometimes food tracking is stressful because I doubt myself. I wonder when that will go away? I think I may email my nutritionist the last few food records so I can double check…I can’t wait for a day when I just eat intuitively.

I went to spin yesterday in the morning and it kicked. My. Ass. I don’t know if it’s because I took a 5 day break? Or just because I’m getting into it? Or because it’s early and I haven’t figured out the appropriate thing to eat beforehand (another thing I should check with my nutritionist)? But it’s fun.

I love the women I work with, but sometimes when they talk about food and shit it is triggering. Yesterday around lunch time they started talking about cleanses and processed foods and good and bad foods and good and bad exercise and how bodies should be sore after you exercise, so sore it’s hard to move, and all this shit. One woman was asking if it was normal to obsess over food in the office (one of our co-workers brought in chocolate covered pretzels and peanut and chocolate trail mix). And so she asked, “Like, do you guys do that? Is this normal? To like look at the pretzels and constantly think like, ‘Go get a pretzel. That’s fine. Do it. It’s not a big deal. NO DON’T GET A PRETZEL! YOU ARE FAT’ is that normal?” and in my head I’m all, no that’s disordered and not normal and I get it and you don’t have to suffer like this, but I didn’t say anything and our other co-worker was like ‘Yeah, that’s normal. Everyone’s like that about something….sugar, processed food, shoes….” Which I absolutely disagree with but I think speaks to our disordered culture because everyone was like YUP to that (except for the older woman in front of me who is a mother and just is quiet, maybe because she’s working or because, like me, she is thinking “YOU GUYS LIFE IS TOO SHORT FOR THIS KIND OF OBSESSION OMG”. Or is just tuning out. Who knows.

Anyway today started well, tomorrow I have spin again, and things will carry on. I DID go to happy hour yesterday.

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Yesterday review

Yesterday was a day at work. Just, a day.

Today I feel anxious. I have decided that benzos are addictive (thanks vogue) so I did not take my klonipin today or yesterday..or the day before…and so now I’m anxious that I’m having withdraw and also that I shoudl have taken one.

BUT food was good, I kept a food record, we’re on a budget so sometimes we eat things that I feel are bad for me, processed or whatever, but I know that challenges my eating disorder.

I’m having racing thoughts about how I need to do crunches etc. and I’m lazy (for some reason my head obsesses about how frequently I sit whenever I have not a ton to be anxious about) so that’s fun.

BUT it’s a day. I always get through it. Just gotta track today and keep it up.

I also decided I am not going to track specifically what I eat here. I don’t want to feed (lol) this culture of obsession any more than I already do and already have. But I WILL track my sober-ness, and I did not indulge in non-sober-things last night (I am not doing drugs, to be clear) so that was a win.

that is all. must do work now.

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Springing into new territory

Happy spring, Tumblr. I’ve been missing you all a ton!

It’s been tough figuring out a balance as I move into this new stage of treatment. It’s hard to believe it’s been two years almost since I entered Renfrew—feels like so long ago but also just yesterday. And a lot has changed and a lot has been wonderful and I’m super grateful.

And now I’m trying to figure out how to be non-eating-disordered and also active and healthy. I am not super thrilled with my fitness level right now. I want to FEEL good and I am making choices that don’t make me feel wonderful (drinking too much alcohol, playing it fast and loose with my meal plan, etc. etc. etc.) so I am going to jump start my way into spring with a 6-week-be-kind-to-yourself-challenge, which is mostly an exploration at exercise and a focus on feeling good and treating myself well without falling back into a disordered mindset. So get ready to hop on this adventure with me.

What am I doing? Well I will tell you!

1. Trying spin (and yoga)! Now how does one get back into a more intense exercise routine after a year of exercise restriction and lots of time saying no to exercise because it’s triggering? (Thanks, eating disorder). I’m not 100% sure. I am working with my (expensive but wonderful) nutritionist to figure out how to do this. So for these 6 weeks, I am putting 6 options in a bowl that determine how many times a week I go (no more than 3) and what day I start on so I force myself to not get stuck in a routine and fight a building obsession and dependency on GOING TO SPIN MONDAY WEDNESDAYS AND FRIDAYS. My ed doesn’t want to do that. It wants to go 3 days a week minimum and make a set routine BECAUSE IM HUGE but I know that’s not a good long-term plan.

2. Write down those food records, girl. I am going to be tracking my intake, not my calories, but my intake, so I can have some data. Seeing it on paper helps me not restrict or over-eat (not all the time, but it’s good).

3. Minimize my consumption of things that make me not sober. It’s hard to do self care when not sober.

4. CAREFULLY see how I feel about things like crunches/push ups etc. I am not happy right now with the state of my arms/abs, but I also know having non-toned and being healthy in the brain takes priority.

5. Track my mood. Remember this is about my life, not my body.

6. Tumblr track this shit!

So here it goes. This morning I missed spin because I was exhausted, but hey, I’m not beating myself up so I’d say the day is starting well. 4/7/14. Spring into spring without an eating disorder. Here goes.

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Springing into new territory

Happy spring, Tumblr. I’ve been missing you all a ton!

It’s been tough figuring out a balance as I move into this new stage of treatment. It’s hard to believe it’s been two years almost since I entered Renfrew—feels like so long ago but also just yesterday. And a lot has changed and a lot has been wonderful and I’m super grateful.

And now I’m trying to figure out how to be non-eating-disordered and also active and healthy. I am not super thrilled with my fitness level right now. I want to FEEL good and I am making choices that don’t make me feel wonderful (drinking too much alcohol, playing it fast and loose with my meal plan, etc. etc. etc.) so I am going to jump start my way into spring with a 6-week-be-kind-to-yourself-challenge, which is mostly an exploration at exercise and a focus on feeling good and treating myself well without falling back into a disordered mindset. So get ready to hop on this adventure with me.

What am I doing? Well I will tell you!

1. Trying spin (and yoga)! Now how does one get back into a more intense exercise routine after a year of exercise restriction and lots of time saying no to exercise because it’s triggering? (Thanks, eating disorder). I’m not 100% sure. I am working with my (expensive but wonderful) nutritionist to figure out how to do this. So for these 6 weeks, I am putting 6 options in a bowl that determine how many times a week I go (no more than 3) and what day I start on so I force myself to not get stuck in a routine and fight a building obsession and dependency on GOING TO SPIN MONDAY WEDNESDAYS AND FRIDAYS. My ed doesn’t want to do that. It wants to go 3 days a week minimum and make a set routine BECAUSE IM HUGE but I know that’s not a good long-term plan.

2. Write down those food records, girl. I am going to be tracking my intake, not my calories, but my intake, so I can have some data. Seeing it on paper helps me not restrict or over-eat (not all the time, but it’s good).

3. Minimize my consumption of things that make me not sober. It’s hard to do self care when not sober.

4. CAREFULLY see how I feel about things like crunches/push ups etc. I am not happy right now with the state of my arms/abs, but I also know having non-toned and being healthy in the brain takes priority.

5. Track my mood. Remember this is about my life, not my body.

6. Tumblr track this shit!

So here it goes. This morning I missed spin because I was exhausted, but hey, I’m not beating myself up so I’d say the day is starting well. 4/7/14. Spring into spring without an eating disorder. Here goes.

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you know what’s exciting?

I haven’t learned something new in a really long time. I’ve done the same job, basically, and been so stressed I haven’t had time or motivation (because the job was making me sad sad sad so I was just a blob at the end of the day) to do independent learning to expand my brain. Reading was exhausting enough.

But as I prep for my new job, I have started an online excel training course (I know NOTHING but I’m learning, which feels cool and weird) and I’m on khanacademy.com re-learning percentages (damn I forget math) and it feels good for a few reasons: 

1) I want to learn more and I have the energy to learn right now

2) Learning is cool. It makes my brain work in ways I don’t normally.

3) I am here, doing work while the boy is in bed, it’s usually the opposite.

I know it won’t be perfect, no job or life is. But every day, I know this is the right move, simply even if it’s because I’m going to learn again. 

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Transitions are weird.

I got a new job, a for-profit, and I am more than ready to be out of my previous job. It’s just time. And as my therapists have been telling me, I can’t move forward until I’m in a less-emotionally-stressful and triggering career. So this is all very exciting.

But it’s also filled with weird emotions. And I’m irritable and cranky. The boy has been great, cleaning dishes, making dinner, doing everything. I lie in bed and listen to my meditiation app on my side of the bed and everything he does irritates me. I feel hyper sensitive to noise (omg, I cannot even DEAL with talk shows right now I want to punch people) and desperately try to find ways to self-soothe that don’t involve eating disorder behaviors. I’m successful, but it’s hard.

I know I made the right choice. But it’s just strange. I gave so much of myself to my first big girl job. I cared so greatly. I mourned so much when things got bad. I tried harder. And it’s great and exciting to be moving on but as people act strangely (Grown ups acting like hurt children is so weird) and I realize I won’t be here, in the familiar, although unhappy, yellow walled room, I feel strange. Transition-y. There’s no other word for it.

But I’m not using symptoms. And I DID make a choice. And even though I’m winter-weight-up and a little bit tighter in the size I wear, I bought clothes. And I know that it will be okay.

Also, I turn 26 in a week. My how things change.

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(Source: baby-dino)

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Slowing down.

That’s something I rarely if ever did. Slow down. They talk a lot in treatment about learning to be present, because that’s what we do, right? Disconnect from the world for whatever reason, obsess about food, numbers, etc. so that we miss things. I remember having this super clear moment when I was about to go to treatment? Or in the beginning of it? Where  I was walking around my dad’s adorable neighborhood in the early spring and I couldn’t remember one thing he said, in the full hour. Not one thing. And it wasn’t because I thought the trees were pretty all bloom-y and spring-like. It was because I was obsessing over all the things my brain obsesses about. Calories, weight, whatever. 

Anyway, I am learning to slow down. Which would surprise my grandfather, probably, he’s always telling me to talk more slowly. But last night I had dinner with my grandparents and I was there for all of it. And even though I got home and was really sad and stressed from a bad day at work and incredibly cranky, I used coping skills. Easy yoga. Watching TV (I don’t understand how so many smart people like Girls. I hate everyone on that show). Coloring.

And then my love came home, late last night, 10pm, and he was kind and rubbed my back as we watched The League and as I texted him this morning that I dreaded coming here again because of the bad stuff yesterday, he said he knew, but we’d have a nice night tonight. And I felt very grateful for him. Because he has helped me slow down. I have never been comfortable just sitting. Being. But I’m learning. The quiet extra minutes in the morning together, today an extra half hour, I’m now able to be present for. I don’t start racing about what I have to do at work or later. I’m there. I can sit in on a Friday night, cook dinner, watch a movie. And I need that. It doesn’t mean that I don’t go on hiking adventures with friends or other things out and about, dress shopping with my mom, whatever. It just means that I’m safe enough to be still.

Because I think that’s part of it. Feeling safe enough to be still. Safe enough to not constantly be racing.

And that’s kind of incredible. For a while there, I never thought anything in the world would be safe again.

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Being in love makes life so much more alive but also so much scarier.

One day, a bed without him. Or him, a bed without me. It makes the world much harder to ever imagine leaving (not that I imagined leaving before, I mostly just ran around being a Pisces and doing shit). Actually it wasn’t until him that I became sad about the idea of one day dying. Which is part of the pain of love. It makes you acutely aware that you won’t always get to be with the person who makes life so full.